Malak: Raising new generations free from GBV
اقرأ باللغة العربية أدناه
Malak
Trigger warning, This post showcases acts of violence explicitly through photos and text
"You can report me but how long will they imprison me? One day, two days, a month? Two months? a year? I will come out and kill you”. These were words Malak, 43, heard over and over from her abusive husband even while pregnant. He would also remind her that he was in Deir el Salib [a psychiatric hospital] and has papers to prove it which would help him get away with murder. She had planned to leave him but once she realized she was with child she waited in hopes it could change him. However, she was also setting up a backup plan - recording conversations, screen shooting threats, as well as collecting her husband's incessant harassment of women on social media.
Malak also arranged to get a second smartphone that the abuser never knew about. She hid it in the bathroom of their home where he would often lock her in for hours. Sometimes shutting off the electricity leaving her in the dark and cold. Fearing she may one day die from head injuries or bleed out, she kept this phone hidden as a lifeline. She also made a deal with the woman who lived downstairs. If Malak banged on the floor, the neighbor would know it's time to come up with her husband and knock on the door. "She probably saved my life a hundred times." The abuser was so violent, he would often choke Malak to the point of her passing out, then waking up to him beating her more and accusing her of acting.
Her husband would actively look for excuses to abuse her. On one occasion while the baby was having a health check up, the pediatrician commented that the child looks like both of his parents. Malak disagreed and said the baby looks like no one in particular. This comment led to a physical beating once the couple were alone in the car. During social gatherings, Malak would respond to acquaintances asking her what she had studied by telling them about her two degrees. These instances would lead to his verbal assaults in her ear all evening as she waited with the knowledge that she would face physical abuse at home.
Like in most abusive relationships, the abuse started with what was considered a one time mistake. Her then boyfriend slapped her during an argument and it was followed up by numerous apologies, tears, and promises it would never happen again. It was after they were married, living under one roof, that the violence resurfaced with more rage.
Malak told her parents about the abuse but they didn’t grasp the capacity. She never showed them the photos she had taken of her injuries. “They didn’t know I was being thrown on the floor, against walls, kicked, or the attempts to throw me off the balcony.” She learned rather quickly that this abuse didn’t start with her, but in his past relationships, and even occurred against his own mother. “Someone I turned to for help told me, ‘you don’t know that you’re victim number 20?’” She seeked assistance from NGOs to no avail. “One of them returned my call a day later. I wondered what would’ve happened had he killed me during those 24 hours. While speaking to them, he came home. I explained why I had to hang up but they never called me back.” She reached out to another local NGO when she eventually left him hoping they would support her legally in divorcing him. They offered her a shelter which came with rules that would isolate her from everyone. She turned it down because she had already secured a safe space.
“NGOs need to help women even if they're at home [with an abuser], or find them shelter without making them feel isolated from the entire world. Teach women a survival skill whether it's sewing or nursing or any course online or in person so they can become financially independent.” Although Malak was the one spending her money on her abuser, to the degree where she sold her gold jewelry, she recognizes that not needing him financially was essential to her freedom. “If you are not financially independent you are at the abuser's mercy.”
Currently Malak depends on her sister and other members of her family to help her with money. Most jobs require long hours that would keep her long past the daycare hours of her son. Jobs with shorter schedules don’t pay enough to cover the daycare cost. However, she sees this as a temporary issue. She plans to go back to school and study nursing when her son is a bit older. Not necessarily because she loves it - if she had the luxury, she would become a chef - but nursing is a job that would provide her independence and stability in a country like Lebanon.
Aside from unemployment, Malak faces other challenges being a single mother. One in particular is when her son is sick. The long hours of caring for him alone without rest at night. Sometimes she fears something happening to him or her. “If I die suddenly, how long will he be crying alone before someone knows?”. This is an image that haunts her but she is fully aware that the abuser could never be the solution to these anxieties but to the contrary. “I was living with a person who was dangerous, manipulative, arrogant, a psychopath. I know he would try to brainwash my son into believing he’s god. He tried to do that with me. He would even threaten my life when I prayed because it wasn’t to him. I prayed in secret.”
Currently, one of the ways Malak empowers herself is by raising her two-year-old son to be everything his father isn’t - kind, gentle, respectful, honest. “I show him love, and steer him away from violence” she states simply. Adamant about using kindness in words as she recalls the toxicity of the verbal abuse she suffered would oftentimes leave her incapable of eating while pregnant.
Eventually, Malak found the moment of escape she had been planning for. Since then, she was granted her divorce as well as the full custody of her son. Her ex husband is not allowed to see them. The collection of data she gathered had proven to be helpful. Having a good lawyer or simple luck may have played a role. However, the fact that such proof of abuse was needed is further validation that the system is set up against women, and further reinforces gender based violence.
Malak, who exudes strength with her steady voice and straight posture, finishes the conversation with these unwavering words, “Our laws, regardless of what religion one is, are unjust. When the law isn’t protecting you, you're vulnerable. If a woman is strong, it doesn't mean she isn’t being abused. When you are stuck between four walls with an abuser, you can die. Your strength outside is something, but inside, when that door is closed, it's limited because no one knows what's happening.”
ملك امرأة تبلغ من العمر ثلاثة وأربعين عاماً، لديها ولد، تهتم بتربيته بنفسها، انفصلت عن زوجها منذ خمسة أشهر، لكنها هجرته منذ سنة عندما كان عمر ابنها ثلاثة أشهر. لم تصدّق أن تم طلاقها وانفصلت عن إنسان معنّف "كان يعنفني ويضربني.." ربما من أصعب ما بمرّ به المرأة أن تعيش مع زوج معنف لها، ويعاني من أمراض نفسية. هي عانت من الأمر حتى النهاية لحين انفصالها وتخبرني القصة كاملة
"أنا امرأة تقليدية، بحب أعمل عيلة واهتم بزوجي وبيتي، تعلقت في بالبداية وحبيته.." هكذا وصفت ملك علاقتها بطليقها قبل أن تكتشف حقيقته. كان يوهمها بأنه إنسان مظلوم، وهي تحب مساعدة الغير وتحب العطاء، ساعدته مادياً وكانت إلى جانبه، لكنه استغل الوضع
تخبرني الامرأة أن قبل زواجها منه كانت تشك أنه إنسان معنّف عندما تلقت الكف الأول منه لحظة انفعاله، وكَونها تربّت في عائلة تبرر الضرب للرجل بحجّة " كان معصّب معليش" سكتت وبررت الأمر بهذه الجملة. لكن هذا الكف كان سبب العنف المستمر فيما بعد. قبل أن تكتشف أنها حامل كانت تقرر الطلاق منه، ولحظة معرفتها أنها تحمل جنينا بين أحشائها، صمدت وقررت إعطاء فرصة له ربما الطفل يغيّر من سلوكه معها.. تسعة أشهر حمل، تسعة أشهر ضرب وتعنيف، لم يؤثر حملها على سلوكه، فالطفل ليس سبباً ولا شيء آخر سوى عنفه الذي كان يعبّر عنه بالضرب والإهانات. لكن العنف لم يقف هنا، لقد كان الزوج معنفا جنسياً يتحرش بالنساء على مواقع التواصل الاجتماعي، وقبل أن تتحرر منه حاول قتلها وقتل الطفل للتهرب من دفع نفقتها مقابل الطلاق. كيف يمكن أن تجتمع كل قباحة الوحوش بشخص واحد، لم تسلم ملك من العنف الجسدي واللفظي واستغلال المادي. وبعد كل ذلك، كان الحلّ هو الطلاق، لكنه لم يكن بالسهل، تحمّلت ملك سنة ونصف تجمع أدلّة وتتحمل عنف لتصل إلى الطلاق، لحين حصوله
القشة التي حمتها نوعاً ما أنها كانت تلجأ لاستخدام هاتف سرّي كانت قد أخفته في الحمام، تتحدث من خلاله مع أي شخص من الممكن أن يساعدها أو أن تخبره على الأقل أنها ليست بأمان في حال أصابها مكروه. حياتها كانت بخطر لدرجة لا تُوصف، فهو قد هددها بالقتل أكثر من مرة وعلّق مشنقة لها داخل المنزل، فما كان أمامها إلّا اللجوء لبقعة ضوء صغيرة تحتمي من خلالها عندما كان يحبسها داخل الحمام
الغريب في الأمر أنٍ الأب* المعنّف كان قد طالب بحضانة ابنه الذي سبق وهدد بقتله وقتل والدته، كيف لمحكمة تعد أن تحكم بالعدل أن تُعطي الحق لمجرم، أقل ما يقال عنه، أن يرى ابنه والتواجد معه في نفس المنزل.. ملك تطالب بإنصافها قانونياً وحمايتها لأن القانون المعتمد في لبنان لا يحمي المرأة إن لم تحمي هي نفسها بنفسها بينما الرجل تتم حمايته بحجة الشرف أو أياً كان
لجأت ملك إلى الجمعيات، لكنها لم تلقى الاهتمام والدعم "كان بدي مساعدتن قانونياً وما ساعدوني.."، حاربت وصمدت على جميع الأصعدة من أجل ابنها الوحيد كي لا يبقى مع إنسان لا يملك من الرحمة والإنسانية شيئاً. لعلّ أكثر ما تعانيه اليوم أنها تربّي ابنها دون أب "أصعب شي عليي انو ابني عم يربى بلا أب.. بس مش هيدا الأب"، لكن من ناحية أخرى، هي تستمد قوتها وصمودها منه "ابني بيعطيني طاقة
.ملك امرأة قوية قبل أن تكون أم جبّارة
Arabic Writer
Zeinab Hajj Hassan
I am Zeinab Hajj Hassan, 27 years old, I'm a freelancer writer and journalist. I also work writing articles for a news website.
Photographer and English writer
Rita Kabalan
Rita Kabalan is a Lebanese-American photojournalist based in Beirut. Her work has been published in Foreign Policy, Middle East Eye, The Public Source, Al Jazeera English, and other outlets.
Link : http://www.ritakabalan.com/
